(Notes taken from FB Live Aug 24 2018 ~ Click to Watch)

I remember back in my dark times with PTSD and people would tell me “trust your gut.” What they didn’t understand is that my gut was trying to kill me. Everything inside of me truly believed that the world would be better off without me in it. I struggled for years trying to find a way to be part of. Trauma treatment has helped me so much. I would not be the person I am today without having gone through it and I sincerely doubt I would even be alive. I have become my own person whereas my entire life I was trying to be the person I thought you wanted me to be.

About 10 days ago a friend died of a heart attack in his apartment in our building. His friends had asked us to check in on him as they hadn’t seen him in a few days. As the building manager I have a master key but I was reluctant. I trusted my gut and I called the police who came and found him. Calling them was exactly the right move. No one had been in there so the process was very simple. And all his friends have alive memories of him instead of seeing him at his ugliest. It feels dignified to me somehow.

As I contemplated sudden death, I was reminded of a dream I had in my early 20s. I was driving off the edge of a cliff. As the car fell, I was thrown free. I was scrambling inside searching for that one thing that would turn it around and save me. Then I turned to begging and pleading, desperately. Then I “settled” inside with acceptance. It simply was my time. I found myself in a place of anticipation wondering what will come next. That is the day I lost my fear of death.

It’s interesting because for so much of my life especially in my dark times I was waiting for death. I was continually amazed that I was still alive. Today I have a wee fear that now that I am actually living, death is going to come and steal it away. Healthy I think. And so I am reminded today to look around my life and see what is really important today. Really pay attention and claim it. Because we only have this moment. Right now. Love to you all.

#ptsd #trust #death #recovery #trauma #healing #livingmybestlife #selflove